April 2, 2007

Dr. Stroud said some really helpful things to me today in my cello lesson about the struggle with perfectionism, that it can stand in the way of enjoying what you have accomplished.  It's a kind of "nothing will ever be good enough" (read: because I deserve better, because nobody will understand my genius, because I will be casting pearls before swine.) He said you have to work through it.  Giving up is a kind of prideful hopelessness in this case.  "I'll never amount to the greatness I think I possess" and you give up and say I guess I'll be HOPELESS and FEEL SPECIAL.  I laughed in my gut with Dr. Stroud about this phrase because it directly relates to the pride in many areas of my being, and in just this precise shade, too.  We talked a little more about pride, misplaced pride AND misplaced humility, and "sin" whose original meaning meant "blockage" (I assume from God) (and I assume he means "from getting on to the next thing in one's life".

May 12, 2009

I've realized I perhaps have not been enjoying the things I have accomplished, and that I feel like hiding the fact that I have a master's degree.  It's definitely not something I can afford to flaunt, for sure, but I think I have also been avoiding listening to my recital recording... should I throw it out because it's overly honest?   It may not be a pinnacle of acheivement, I may not have achieved the bestest of anything, anything at all, but in this process, I have learned how to practice the cello, how to start to begin to know how to play the cello, how to respond to music and movement, and also, the intricate give and take of a cello with a piano.   I think that my self criticism should not be mistaken for humility, but pride.

And now, having figured that out, on to thankfulness and the humility of learning again.